THE MEN WE LOVE TO SEE

 Hello everyone!

Trust we've been good.

Lately I've been seeing some unbelievable behaviours and attitudes from the male gender and I can't help but wonder how we arrived here. I see comments and actions of some of our men and I wonder how they were raised. It is scary because this must not continue to the next generation. 

I might not be a huge fan of gender- based issues at the same time I cannot turn a blind eye to the going-ons around me. When I  listen to people speak on feminism or anything relating to gender I try to keep an open mind and not be biased or allow myself be influenced by other people's opinions.

These series of behaviours has led me to keep wondering and pondering on the following questions. I ask myself , Why do we have a lot of emotionless men? Why are some men so narcissistic and insensitive? Why do some men believe that women are suppose to toil for them for the rest of their lives? Why do they feel unnecessarily entitled? Why do they feel that giving their wives a hand with the chores or with the kids will make them less of a man? Why do men believe that as far as they are financially capable to run a home nothing else matters? It is really baffling and disturbing at the same time. 

The answer to the above questions is not far -fetched. Firstly, the society played a major role in 'forming' the kind of men we have today. The problem we have with some of our men is due to the norm that was laid down by the society. It is what they were born into, what they grew into and what they were made to adapt to. The issue of superiority and self-importance is one and this has eaten deep into the core of their being. We live in a society where women are relegated and the men promoted or celebrated. A society that constantly project men as more important or valuable than women. It is this norm that has made a stealthy entrance into the family which led to what we call gender roles in the home.

In an average Nigerian home, the boy-child is hardly useful as there are no concrete or defined chores assigned to him while growing up. It is forbidden to have him sweep or clean the house, do the dishes , wash the clothes or even cook. These are 'female chores' not for male afterall he will be married someday and his wife will be responsible for all of these.... So what is the point? they will say. The chores considered to be for the male children includes washing the car ( for those who have cars) then probably cutting the grasses (for those who have grasses in their compounds).

Some parents do not want to see their male children in the kitchen either helping out or cooking. You will hear "Junior what are you doing there? Are you a girl?, What business do you have with the kitchen? , Come out of there immediately when your sister comes she will prepare something for you to eat".  Shocking I must say! So Junior mustn't know how to cook because it is a girl's job to do which means that he will have to entrust something as serious as putting food in his stomach in the hands of another person for a lifetime.

The girl-child on the other hand who is often referred to as the weaker vessel is ironically saddled with the responsibility of  partially running the home even at a very tender age , sometimes as early as 8-10 years of age a girl is already cooking and tending to her siblings. She is taught to wake up early, cook, sweep, go to the market, bathe and dress her siblings, stay in the store to sell etc. More attention and trainings are given to the girl-child because she is subtly being prepared to 'serve' someone's son later in life. The wifely role is indirectly being inculcated in her at such a tender age. She is indirectly being trained to become a good 'wife material' but to who? an undeserving man? How much training do we give our boys? How are we moulding our boys to be good and caring husbands to their wives in the future? How are we raising them to be respectful to women and sensitive?  Aside providing for the family what else do they have to offer?

This is the reason we have men that lack empathy. Men that are so egoistic that they believe that women are mere assets to them and that they deserve to be worshipped without regards to the feelings of their wives. This is why a man whose wife just put to birth 28 hours ago will demand why she hasn't gone to the market to buy what she will use to prepare food for him and another will demand sex from a woman that gave birth just 24 hours ago! Same reason a man will beat up his pregnant wife and verbally berate her at will. This is sickening! We need to do better!

Imagine if our parents shared some of these house chores equally, Imagine if Princess cooks on Monday and it's Junior's turn on Tuesday. What if washing and cleaning is rotated between Junior and Princess? When Junior gets married and somehow his wife is not able to cook or clean due to pregnancy, postpartum issues or ill-health, he will be of great help and a good support system at that time. He will be empathetic and helpful all through because he was brought up to be caring, helpful and sensitive to other people's plight. 

There are lots of things some of our parents did wrong while raising the male children. We mustn't continue the trend. Our men need to do better. The future generation need to be better than this. Modern day parents need to do better than our parents. Teach your boys to be strong, to be kind, empathetic , loving, caring, hardworking and respectful. Let them cook, it's not a taboo. That's why we have chefs nowadays. Let them wash clothes, let them help their sisters when necessary. Don't segregate, don't give rooms for injustice. Let them grow with their sisters and know the things that women deal with. Teach them to be useful to themselves and to their family. Let them know that money cannot buy true love, money cannot buy affection and happiness. Let them know that emotional support is as important as financial support.

When you are teaching your girls to dress properly, to not keep bad friends, to maintain moral behaviours and all that. Please teach your boys too to dress properly, to respect women and speak kindly to them. It is not only women that need to be responsible and ' proper' for marriage sake . Men need to be well brought up and responsible too in every way.

This post is however not to discredit our men who are already doing right or our parents who gave their best to raise fine men. It is only a re-awakening or a reminder on the need to not relent until our society understands the need to raise our boys with the purpose of making them responsible men and husbands in the future.  

To the men who are already doing right we see you , we love and appreciate you please keep it up and be prepared to pass the baton to the next generation. To the parents who are changing the status quo as regards raising the boy-child we see your effort, it shall not be in vain and we are proud of you. Please keep it up. Love, care , understanding, respect and support are the attributes we love to see in our men .